Patriarchy - Introduction

As I continue my work of self-discovery, I am increasingly aware of just how many experiences I have had, from my childhood to my years as an adult trying to fit into society, that I'm now working to heal from. In my conversations with other men about my work, I've been surprised to hear how many of my experiences are actually shared across most men. This awareness made it clear to me that there are larger systems at play that have contributed to so many similar and harmful experiences for men.

This awareness and a need to understand more led me to readThe Will To Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks. By the third sentence of the preface, I had to pause as she directly stated something I had felt so strongly since childhood but hadn't seen expressed so clearly.

I had not been able to confess that not only did I not understand men, I feared them.

This was the first of innumerable statements that resonated so strongly for me in this book. Reading this book, I felt like bell hooks had witnessed my life as a man and was summarizing the incongruencies I have felt. She described pivotal interactions I had with my dad, with my friends, and with partners as well as naming the systems of oppression I bought into throughout my life (the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy) and which formed many of my core beliefs.

I found this book at the right time for myself. Had I read it too early on in my journey my defensiveness and insecurity would have limited my ability to hear what she says. In particular, I would have started building my projections on the book at the mention of "feminism" and never moved past the naming of "imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy" as the underlying systems at the root of my experiences as it would have called into question too many foundational beliefs in my life for me to interrogate at once.

I say this to readers who feel resistance or reaction to those words. If you do, I encourage you to dig into why you feel that way before reading further. Like an earlier version of myself, your important work may be understanding why you feel resistant or reactive first.

I will be relating my life experiences directly to the patriarchy here. I recognize it is not the sole cause of all these experiences and I think it's helpful to name it directly in this piece. It is not a full description of my life or experiences, just those that came back to me vividly while reading this book. I will also not be diving into the intersectionality of the "imperialist white supremacist capitalist" part this time mainly because it's beyond my ability at the moment. I will attempt to pull those apart more in future writing.

I also take a critical look at the impact of my dad on my learning of patriarchal values. This is not a complete picture of my relationship with him and while it is critical of him and his role in this aspect of my life, I am not blaming him and do not think he is a bad person for the role he played. I have love and compassion for him and who he was in my life that I don't touch on here.